Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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