i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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