I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
