We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
