Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
