I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
