You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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