life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This baby is an asshole
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
