I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
