You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
