Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
