It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
