I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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