So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
