now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
