I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
