this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
