i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My vagina is officially offended.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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