Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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