Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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