I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
