A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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