how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
