Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
