You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
