i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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