nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
