Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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