wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Little spoons don't ask big questions
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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