community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
