the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i've created a new STD.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
