Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
