you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
