last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
