so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
