i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
