The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Sober January is a disaster.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
