Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
