I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
