Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
