She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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