a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
