Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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