Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
