she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
