u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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