I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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