mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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