I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
