The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
