is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
